Psychotherapist Laura Young says the number 1 problem in marriage is effective communication. Relationship problems revolve around a lack of healthy, assertive communication, communication that is open, direct, respectful, honest, and personal. That's from Darlene Lancer, an LMFT on toxic relationships. So that's a
family and marriage counselor.
Many studies have identified poor communication as one of the top reasons for couples
therapy as well as one of the top reasons for divorce and that was from Psychology Today,
So, I cited three sources that say communication is at the heart of
conflict and loss of connection. So, learning how to improve your communication skills can be the bridge back to a better connection.
Improving your communication in your relationships can help you avoid damaging
misunderstandings, determine what your partner is saying, avoid arguments more slowly, and be willing to give each other space instead of pressuring them to resolve immediately.
Improving your communication can increase trust and build emotional closeness and
intimacy. There are two types of communication. The first is closed-heart communication.
Closed-heart communication looks or sounds like criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and
stonewalling. Award-winning relationship psychologist and author John Gottman calls these
the four horsemen that poison relationships. When any of these four horsemen appear, something is unsaid, unacknowledged, or misunderstood. So, let's look at the four horsemen who poison relationships, according to John Gottman.
The first is criticism. Criticism is when one person implies something wrong with
the other person. And the other person will most likely feel attacked and respond defensively. Defensiveness is when the person responding to a perceived criticism counterattacks with another criticism or plays the innocent victim. Unfortunately, defensiveness keeps partners from taking responsibility for problems and escalates negative communication.
Contempt is when one person puts themselves on a superior moral high ground
or holds the other with disgust. Common visible expressions of contempt are eye rolling,
sneering, sarcasm, interrupting, and name-calling. And the fourth horseman is stonewalling,
when one person withdraws from the conversation physically or energetically.
All four are coping strategies for feeling unsafe, unseen, and unheard in a
relationship. It's nearly impossible to resolve an issue with closed-heart communication. So, let's look at the other kind of communication, and that's the antidote to closed-heart communication. And that is appreciative communication. Communication has two components. It comes from a lens of appreciation for the other person's map. Often, we forget that the other person has a map and that their map is as valid as ours. We often forget that our map partially depends
on our experiences, moods, environment, and upbringing. Is it suitable? So, coming from a lens of appreciation for another's map means listening with a willingness to consider that the other person has a point of view or an unmet need or desire that's right and good, even if it's contributing to a feeling of friction or conflict.
Their behaviors or views may make sense in their world even if they don't
make sense in yours. This takes practice like dojo, the gladiator sport. It requires a willingness to temporarily,rily-- it requires a willingness to temporarily set aside your keyword temporary assertion that you are right and the other person is wrong or misguided.
Second, appreciative communication is specific. One of the biggest reasons we
Experienced communication problems are caused by an inherent lack of specificity in how humans speak. Humans tend to delete, distort, or generalize details of the conversation happening in our heads. However, we still expect others to get us even though portions of the discussion that we're having in our head are often missing when we verbalize and converse, right? So let me give you an example. And by the way, we do this unintentionally. We don't mean to do this, but we do it unconsciously and unintentionally. So let me give you an example. If I say to you, think of a dog, but I don't give you any specifics, the picture of the dog you make in your mind is almost guaranteed to be different than the picture I make in my head. Would you agree? Yeah, unless I had special mind-reading powers. But most of us don't have extraordinary mind-reading powers. So, while we may use English, we often speak different languages. That's important.
This lack of specificity leads to a lack of clarity in the way we talk with each other. The root
cause of frequent conflict in communication isn't what is said. It's often what isn't being
said. When people communicate, we tend to make assumptions that fill the gaps for what isn't being said. That leads to distortions, misunderstandings, arguments, hurt feelings, resentment, and anger, and that's precisely how communication breakdown happens. So, how do we solve this? How do we get more specific in our communication to have more clarity, understanding, and, therefore, more connection in our relationships?
Comentarios